A Clash of Titans Idiots

Although the "March Madness" which stemmed from the NCAA basketball tournament is over, the madness at our school has spilled over well into April. With 24 days left for seniors, and 8 days until spring break, the "knuckleheads" (the polite term used by the administration) are in supreme knucklehead form.

Today that was brought front-and-center.

After an oh-so-exciting lecture on using completing the square to solve quadratic equations (yawn), I gave my 4th period class time to get started on their homework and ask questions while they worked. Standard operating procedure. I wandered from cluster to cluster of students as they got into the assignment.

And then...

I'm working with one student, and I hear a scuffle of some sorts so I look up. I see one senior, let's call him RJ, standing, and he pushes another senior, the Big Baby (a term used frequently by the vice principal when describing him), who is seated. It was quite a push, and the desk the Big Baby (who easily weighs 230 pounds) was sitting in fell to its side, with BB still in it.

BB, face beet red with embarrassment and anger, gets up and starts screaming at RJ, "I'm gonna fucking kill you!" and goes right after him. I try to get between them before anything happens, but am not successful. They try to throw some punches (uncoordinatedly, for sure) and over my shouting, end up in a heated melee. RJ is tall and has an athletic build, so this was no ticky-tack fight.

Eventually I'm able to get a good hold of RJ and pull him out of the fray. As I'm doing this, and RJ has stopped fighting, the Big Baby, still beet-red in the face, stands up holding RJ's foot. I shout at BB to let RJ's foot go, and eventually he does.

At this point, the two doors to the adjoining rooms have been opened, with the teachers from those two rooms standing in the doorway. My entire class (of 30) is speechless - staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at the scene. One of the teachers (Smiley) takes RJ and puts him in his room for a minute before taking him down to the office, while I take care of BB.

The Big Baby proceeds to apologize for "fucking up your classroom" and calmly takes all the desks which had been moved around in the fracas and puts them back in their original spots. I walk him down to the office, and he repeatedly insists, "I'm cool, man. Whatever. No big deal."

Of course word of this fight spreads like wildfire throughout the school, and for the rest of the day, teachers and students were coming up to me and making comments.

Teacher: "Heard you had a little excitement this morning."

Student: "OK, Mr. Eyerman, tell me exactly what happened."
Me: "Did you hear the version of the story that involved the Uzi?"
Student: "What?!"
Me: "Yea, I brought out my gun to settle things down."

Female student (who was in the class): "I thought it was really funny, but I didn't want to laugh."
Me: "Funny?"
Another female student (also in the class): "Yea, I thought it was funny too..."
Me: "Sorry girls, I can't say I saw the humor in the situation." Except, of course, when the goof-ball Big Baby apologized for "fucking up the classroom" and calmly and neatly replaced all the desks.

Male student (who was in the class): "Mr. Eyerman, that was awesome!"
Me: "Yea?"
Student: "Yea, me and Chris were all about to jump in and help you, but we were all the way across the room..."
Me: "Uhh... k...."
I walked out of that last conversation chuckling to myself - man, I must have some serious street cred now.

On the serious side of this, a teacher told me that I shouldn't break up fights. I shouldn't "touch the student." When asked why, two reasons were given. For one, if I restrain one kid, and that gives the other a chance to wail on the one I've restrained, I could be held liable for either picking sides or "letting" one kid beat up the other. The other reason (equally dumb) is to protect myself from a kid saying, "Mr. Eyerman touched me..."
Apparently what I'm supposed to do is call the office or one of the designated members of the staff who has been trained in "Physical Restraint" so they can come in and break up the fight.
The reason I editorialize that the reasons are dumb is that if I do that, several bad things are bound to happen. One, the fight will continue, and one or both of the students involved, or even another student in the room, could get seriously hurt. Or school property (like the super-expensive heating system) damaged. Also, the school is pretty damn big. By the time I get the right phone number of someone on the list, call them, and they get to my room, plenty of time will have elapsed.
In addition, if I do nothing, how can I stand in front of the class the next day and have any sort of respect from the students? "Oh, Mr. Eyerman was there for us - he made a phone call." Puh-lease. Isn't it far better for my students to think, "Mr. Eyerman was there for us - he got involved and tried to break up a dangerous situation." Which do you think sounds better?
I understand the politics and the "cover-your-ass" spiel I've heard countless times by many veterans in education. But if I see a fight - particularly in a place I'm supposed to be managing - damn right I'm going to get involved to protect my students. Screw politics.

The two students were each suspended for a few days, and when they're back, of course they'll be sitting on opposite sides of the room, for the 18 or so days they have left in my classroom.

But I'm curious about tomorrow morning, when I have this class again. The fight happened right at the end of the period, so that class ended as I was escorting the Big Baby down to the office. Of course the students are going to make it a topic of conversation. I'm sure I will have to address it. I'm not really sure right now what I'm going to say. I know I will address it and have to put it to bed - I can't let the entire class get worked up over it again, and can't take the entire period tomorrow discussing the idiocy of two over-testosteroned 18-year olds.

Apparently the entire thing started because BB moved his desk and RJ's arm got pinched between two desks. Then a meathead conversation ensued. Something like:
"Hey, watch what you're doing!"
"Well, you shouldn't have your arm there."
"What the fuck? I'm sick of you."
"Yea? Well, what are you gonna do about it?"

Once again, yes, you can't make this stuff up.