Free Entertainment

One of the best pieces of advice a teacher gave me after I was pretty angry with one particular moron was, "Look at the kids as a form of entertainment. Don't take what they do all that seriously, or personally." That was outstandingly helpful.

Some gems from my students:
Gumby: "Mr. Eyerman, can I have a band-aid?"
Me: "What happened?"
Gumby: "I punched a locker."

"I don't like that class because I'm getting a D."

Overachiever: "Is there anything I can do to get my grade to a passing level?"
Me: "Um, you have a C average."
Overachiever: "I know. That's not passing."

"We're not going to do anything hard today, right? Cause it's Monday, so we shouldn't have to do anything."

Me: "So you have to divide everything by 2."
(pause)
Repeat, as writing it on the board.
Me: "You have to divide EVERYTHING by 2." Write EVERYTHING using only capital letters.
(shorter pause)
Me: "EVERYTHING." Underline EVERYTHING.
(look to see if the students have finished copying this down. almost)
Me: "EV. RY. THING."
With each syllable, point to each part of the problem. Knock on the board with your knuckle to give another sensory emphasis.
Me: "Not just over here. Not just over here. Everything."
(pause, make sure they have the "yea, we get it. quit repeating yourself" eye-glaze)
Me: "OK, so Valley Girl, what do you get when you divide everything by 2?"
(long pause)
Valley Girl: "Wait." (short pause) "Everything?"

"Sam, put away your cell phone."
(immediately) "Yea, I know."
(giggles amongst classmates)
Sam: "That's what sucks about you being a young teacher. You know what we're doing. I mean, the older teachers don't even know what texting is."

"Do I get extra credit? I was on time to class."
"Uhh... no..."
"Oh, come on! You're killin' me, Mr. Eyerman!"

*tsk* "Aw man Mr. Eyerman, I got in trouble for skipping your class yesterday."
"So... don't skip my class."
(pause) "Oh."